After weeping I breathed a sigh of relief. It was gone, another layer, I released the pain and I was free once again. I am Victor. I am Warrior. 

When I sat and meditated on the situation with my daughter kicking me out of her house, my higher self was whispering to me, “You created this for your evolution.” I knew deep down this to be true, even though a part of my human psyche was trying to whisper another story to keep me in victimhood. I will rise up – out of this.

This was for me. Deep within and higher up, I knew I set this up to find the wholeness within my self once again. Even though in the highest Reality we are already whole and can never be anything less. Here on earth in the human form, we are rectifying and healing the wounding, so we can be Victor. It was another experience that could only lead me in one direction- back into myself, back into my wholeness, back into “I am my Home.” Home is within me. It was the final nail in the coffin, if you may. Why? If my only family that never in a million years would I expect to kick me out of her home and shun me away, could do this to me-then that had to be a set up! Like the song…”One more time…” Yes it came up again, but not for me to play the victim and stay in the suffering of, “look what my daughter did to me,” even though I had the “right” to say it. She was, after all, acting very disrespectful to me. But I knew on a deeper level that this was happening for a reason and after I sat with it for a while, I knew “I set it up,” so I can once again heal another layer of the core wound of abandonment.

In essence we are all sovereign souls, playing the earth forgetting game so we can remember once again who we are and that home is within- wholeness is our birthright. It is who we are. Period. End of story. All roads of suffering and pain lead us home, back to the wholeness within if you can just lay down your armor, your defenses, and sit with the pain, the sorrow, the heartbreak and ask it why, for what purpose do you serve? Because all the pain and suffering serve the one holy purpose of finding God within, returning back to the God and the joy and wholeness that you already are, you just forgot. The wound is where the light enters.

Something miraculous came out of this story. 2025 is the 30th anniversary of my daughter’s father, Eugene, passing away. For those of you who read Fearless Freedom Becoming SoulFire, you know what a tragedy and trauma it was to us both. He took his life and the months leading up to that point was a nightmare I don’t wish on my worst enemy.

One night on my way out to dinner I got a flat tire driving down the driveway. I ended up staying home and calling AAA the next day. This young man came and when he stepped out of his van, he took my breath away. He looked so much like Eugene, my daughter’s father, when the last time I saw him at 25 years old. And it turned out his name was Eugene! I couldn’t believe it. He changed my tire and text me that night to make sure I was ok, which I thought was odd since no one from AAA ever did that.

This was during the time my daughter was not talking to me, so I didn’t get to share the story with her. However, a couple of weeks later we reconciled with a heartfelt talk and ceremony at the ocean to celebrate his “death day” and turn it into a day of celebration- March 14th. As we were talking I got to share a lot about her father-things she never knew- like how much he loved food- how every time he sat down to eat he would have a big grin on his face and do a little food dance. My daughter is a foodie and a chef now so she appreciated this knowing. It was really nice to be able to give her that gift. Then I shared the story about AAA and my tire and the young man named Eugene. She told me she locked her keys in her car around the same time and called AAA too. It turned out the same young man came to help her too. She didn’t know his name was Eugene! I couldn’t believe it! I know with 100% certainty that it was her father Eugene, coming to us both. He set this up so we could heal our relationship. I am crying just writing this piece now, overwhelmed with emotion. I think it’s a combination of deep grief and heartbreak coming up, along with a deep sense of interconnection and love.

It reminds me that the ones we love never leave us really, they are just with us in a different form or way. It also reminds me to be strong in my faith and knowing  when I get weary and weak, that love is the one thing that lasts in this impermanent world of form. Love is everything. Our loved ones never leave us. My wish is that all souls who are suffering with heartache, break and despair over the loss of a loved one, feel the comfort of the Blessed Mother around them and know they are never alone.

Four months after Karma passed I decided to be brave since I had a dear friend with me  and asked him to take me to a beach up north that was me and Karma’s favorite spot. We would always stop on the way at this outdoor mall where she would pee, then I went into food store and bought sushi and treats for us to share at Beach 69. She loved going there. It was one of our favorite beaches and adventure days. I loved sharing it with Karma. I hadn’t been back since she passed.

When I got out of his car I felt a sudden wave of grief come over me and just stood frozen in the middle of the parking lot sobbing. He took my hand and led me gently into the food store so we could continue on with our day. I was too heart broken to think about food so I just grabbed a random salad.  I asked the cashier for more salad dressing and she told me to go the the deli and ask but it’s an extra charge. With tears in my eyes still I went over and tapped a woman worker on the back. She turned around and hurriedly moved me back telling me I couldn’t be there. (I had walked behind the deli counter by accident). She asked me what I needed and I told her, salad dressing with the saddest face she had probably ever seen. She brought me the salad dressing, no extra charge. Then I looked at her name tag and guess what it said? DAISY! I couldn’t believe it. I mean, you can’t make this up! I was so happy. My heart leapt for joy. I asked her if I could give her a hug. and she said yes. She probably thought I was happy she gave me free salad dressing—Ha ha ha. This little angel had no idea how much she meant to me at that moment. 

These signs from Karma kept coming…too many to blog about. But I know that if my furry four legged bestest friend can still be with me, then whoever you have “lost” and love deeply is still with you. In the midst of these intense emotions I remind myself to breathe. Breath has been my saving grace. It leaves room for the Holy Spirit to come in and do her work. After all, if I am going to say I am a spiritual teacher then I have to walk my talk. 

“Your body is away from me, but there is a window open from my heart to yours.” ~ Rumi

I love you Karma.

As many of you know it took me a long time to find a home here in Hawaii where I could root and do my divine life’s work in my own peaceful space without entanglements of others. When I finally did it was such a relief.  However, when I first moved into my current Ohana the wild wild west or what I call Mongoose Lane, lived behind me. It was a neighborhood known for its seediness and drugs. It was crazy energy…so much turmoil, fighting, police, unrest, garbage everywhere. And it wasn’t just the humans that were loud, the animal kingdom was speaking out too! Between the incessant barking dogs, especially Edgar who actually listened when I yelled at him to shut up, the confused roosters who thought it was morning every time a car drove by with its headlights at night, and the feral cats who apparently were getting it on alot more than me! The sounds they were making were so loud and disturbing that I yelled out to them one night, “Get a room!” And they stopped.  I couldn’t believe it.

Over the last two years I worked diligently at spiritually and physically transforming the vibration of that neighborhood. It is night and day now. I can feel comfortable walking Karma through the cleaned up streets. It is a peaceful and quiet, for the most part, family oriented neighborhood. Wherever I live I always bring my magic, improve the space I’m in and around me and create peace and harmony with my neighbors. That is really important to me. I am a peacemaker  at heart and ambassador for good will on earth.

Just when I was feeling accomplished a new neighbor moved in to the vacant Ohana 30 feet next to me. Noise travels here very easily and when you don’t have a wall, like I do, only a screen, you can hear every little thing. This supposed quiet girl with her service dog turned out to be anything but. When she talked on the phone I could actually hear the other person’s conversation. She was loud in everything she did, like simply closing or rather slamming the door. Maybe she was new to Hawaii? Didn’t understand how sound travels? Or just didn’t give a hoot. She seemed troubled with many issues.  I complained to the property manager (PM) multiple times about her noise level not knowing the worse storm that was about to hit my home.

She met someone. I heard every single painful phone conversation, which I thought were irritating, until he showed up in person-and practically moved in. In the end he did live with her. He was 100 times more a nightmare. He was young, reckless, obnoxious, drinker, most likely on drugs, erratic with a nasty vocabulary and didn’t care about noise or disturbing anyone else. They started their shenanigans around 10pm and continued all through the night. Then it got worse as he became angry. There would be fighting, yelling, screaming, cursing, banging, throwing things. He also had a Keiki, (kid) that would stay there time to time. He would yell and curse at his kid too. He cursed me out multiple times from across the way through the bushes. Threatening me, tormenting me for months. I called the police, made police reports, reported him multiple times to my property manager until finally she got a written letter with a 10 day warning of eviction.

She called and cried to the PM and asked for another chance. She said he was rude and had no regard for anyone else and she would never see him again. We decided to give her another chance. Well you know how that went. It was a total lie. A week later after the MOM (now I know where the loudness comes from) came to stay with her and do damage control, he came back. They did not miss a beat- back to partying and their rude and obnoxious shenanigans at all hours of the night.

It was worse, actually. He was worse. A new component entered the scene, his sickness- throwing up on the middle of the night, which woke me up, coughing all night long, watching TV loud during the day now.  He didn’t seem like he was employed at this point. Finally, thankfully she got a 45 day eviction notice. He didn’t like that one bit and called me the C word and cursed me out all night. I had to live with my guard up and many sleepless nights. It was torture since my peaceful sanctuary had been infiltrated and I was exhausted during the day and still had to work. I barely could do anything. I had no energy to do my yoga or go to the gym. They pretty much ruined my life for months. He spotted me one day as I was walking to my car and stared me down. It was unnerving.

I get that no one can be perfectly quiet all the time and if you’re young you want to party. But our units have quiet time between 9pm-6am. If you’re not a match for the rules in this community find another place to live. It’s really that simple. Oh and the other thing I’d like to add: Don’t be a dick.

I work from home. I an a spiritual author and energy healer online with my video channel and in person. You can imagine how tough it was for me to do my work. Even so I managed to publish my fourth book, The Beloved, an ebook on Amazon. I had to keep reaffirming to myself that no matter what, I would not let anyone, anything, or any darkness steal my light or rob me of my joy. After all I made my dream life come true. I was living my dream in Hawaii and I didn’t want one day to go by that I wasn’t grateful and feeling good about that.

Even so, it’s so hard to stay positive when you are fighting exhaustion and complete infiltration of your home space. Not to mention I was having my own personal health challenges: two car accidents this year and major gum and teeth pain/work all year! I needed healing and rest, and a good nights sleep.

My daughter slept over one night and was witness to what I had to tolerate for months. They woke us both up in the middle of the night with their usual fighting and crazy loud behavior. She told me to call the police because it went to hitting. I told her I tried that already but the police don’t do anything, that this was their normal routine and don’t worry they will be laughing in the morning. She said she was surprised I didn’t yell at them and get angry. (She knows I have an Italian temper!) Trust me it took everything I had within to not react in this way. Common sense took a hold of me the first night he cursed me out at 3am. I was about to go HELLFire on him and then remembered I am a single girl living alone and this crazy guy who is probably high on drugs, knows where I live, and who knows what he is capable of doing. That would only make it worse. So I stayed silent. I left it up to the PM.

I was silent but still took action. I did everything I could spiritually and physically. I rearranged my entire Ohana, moved my bed away from the screen and closed the curtains even though it restricted air flow, put the fans on high, bought an extra noisy fan, took sleeping aids, wore ear plugs, kept soft music playing…you name it I tried it. I meditated, prayed, did reiki on them, saged, cleared the space, prayed some more. I prayed a lot for a miracle and solution to my tormented life.

Finally it came. My good friend asked me to come to her special unity event. It was her “coming out” as her alter ego. I have become somewhat of a recluse since I moved to Hawaii but I knew how important this was to her so I showed up. As soon as I arrived, my other neighbor, who knew everything that was happening, told me the guy was there and not to look but he was standing behind me talking about me and giving me dirty looks. I turned around slowly to get a look at my tormenters face since I had yet to see it. There he was!  A young man, brooding, ominous, giving me the death stare. My neighbor said she would walk me to my car to make sure I got safely home. I thought about it for a second, and for a second I felt fearful but immediately said NO.

“I am going to stay. I am not afraid of him.” I told her.

I thought I would stay for an hour for my friend then leave to avoid any confrontations. I ended up staying for four hours, enjoying the entire show, holding the light.  I decided I would stand in my power and truth and was not going to let some punk kid ruin my night. What was interesting was that so many people I knew came up to me and I ended up doing some spiritual counseling. That actually was a blessing for it helped me to stay in my light and power. I didn’t say one thing to any of my friends about this guy or what I was going through. This was his place of employment and out of respect for him I didn’t want to put any negative energy out there. Even the owner came up to me, gave me a hug and we talked. I kept silent about my tormenter. I just held the light.

After a while between the good vibes of the unity event and me sticking to staying in love, I started letting the animosity in my heart for him go. I only felt peace. He was all around the event as he was a busboy and It was small venue so he could see me the whole time. I could feel his staring at me at times and I tried to avoid looking for him. By the end of the night he was walking closer to me. Finally at the end of the show which really did raise the vibrations of the space, he walked right by me. By then I was radiating in a high frequency, having fun and dancing. He turned to look at me. I looked him in the eyes and with a genuine smile radiating kindness and love, said hello. He smiled back at me with a big genuine smile and said hello. I saw his light and in that moment I felt him shift. It was a tiny miracle:)

The feeling of satisfaction and relief about what had transpired had my soul riding high the next couple of days. That night I told my neighbor, the one who was worried for my safety, what had happened. She was shocked. I told her “I can’t be hating at a unity event!” If it’s one thing I’ve learned over and over again is authenticity. If I say I AM a spiritual teacher, a channel of unfiltered light, then I better BE it, no matter how hard the outer circumstances are.

Over the next few days he was different. I could feel his energy. He was quiet, being considerate and on the phone looking for place to live for him and his girl. I could tell he was really trying. That didn’t last long, however. They started in with their fighting; this time it was more her than him, yelling at him that he didn’t have a place to live, no car and no job. I actually felt bad for him.

Five days later he was dead. I heard the whole thing. She woke me up at 5am with a very loud phone call. It was 911. He wasn’t breathing. I witnessed the entire exchange, her frantic begging for them to hurry up because he was turning blue. I found out his name, DOB. I could hear everything. He didn’t make it. From what I heard it could have been an overdose or fentanyl laced into his smokes. I don’t know for sure.

The next day she moved out. I had my peace again.

I prayed for a miracle. This was not the way I was expecting it to go down. It felt more like a tragedy and a waste of life, yet my faith knew deep down and higher up there was grace in it. Regardless, I felt really sad for the young man. I was rooting for him after seeing his light and our energy exchange that night. I really wanted him to do good. I prayed for his soul to be at peace and talked to him that night. I felt his presence, his confusion. I reassured him that he was safe now and he would continue on to something more beautiful and better. I hope he heard me.

Things are always changing. We cannot stop that from happening. The cycle of life and death, rebirth-that is the very nature of life. And yes tough times are all around us. Individually and collectively we are metamorphosing into something greater. And metamorphosis can be very painful, indeed. Just when the caterpillar thought its life was over it became a beautiful butterfly. No matter what kind of crappy day you might have, or tough time you might be going through, the world still turns, the sun still comes up in the morning, and birds continue to sing.

And we must continue to do the inner work, of keeping our vibration and frequency high. And remember we are not alone. Not only are our human friends with us but our spirit friends on high have our back. The universe is a benevolent place. That is the nature of the universe: it is love, and It knows who you are personally.

Whatever you are facing in this now moment in your life I wish you comfort, peace and perseverance, ease and grace. Don’t give up. The light is always more powerful than the dark. And you are that light. You are that powerful. Aho.

The only way out is in. Go within and find your true light, your warrior spirit and your true divine power. You got this!

Aloha blessings of the most holy and high,
Soulfire

“The holiest place on earth is where an ancient hatred has become a present love.” ~ CIM