After weeping I breathed a sigh of relief. It was gone, another layer, I released the pain and I was free once again. I am Victor. I am Warrior. 

When I sat and meditated on the situation with my daughter kicking me out of her house, my higher self was whispering to me, “You created this for your evolution.” I knew deep down this to be true, even though a part of my human psyche was trying to whisper another story to keep me in victimhood. I will rise up – out of this.

This was for me. Deep within and higher up, I knew I set this up to find the wholeness within my self once again. Even though in the highest Reality we are already whole and can never be anything less. Here on earth in the human form, we are rectifying and healing the wounding, so we can be Victor. It was another experience that could only lead me in one direction- back into myself, back into my wholeness, back into “I am my Home.” Home is within me. It was the final nail in the coffin, if you may. Why? If my only family that never in a million years would I expect to kick me out of her home and shun me away, could do this to me-then that had to be a set up! Like the song…”One more time…” Yes it came up again, but not for me to play the victim and stay in the suffering of, “look what my daughter did to me,” even though I had the “right” to say it. She was, after all, acting very disrespectful to me. But I knew on a deeper level that this was happening for a reason and after I sat with it for a while, I knew “I set it up,” so I can once again heal another layer of the core wound of abandonment.

In essence we are all sovereign souls, playing the earth forgetting game so we can remember once again who we are and that home is within- wholeness is our birthright. It is who we are. Period. End of story. All roads of suffering and pain lead us home, back to the wholeness within if you can just lay down your armor, your defenses, and sit with the pain, the sorrow, the heartbreak and ask it why, for what purpose do you serve? Because all the pain and suffering serve the one holy purpose of finding God within, returning back to the God and the joy and wholeness that you already are, you just forgot. The wound is where the light enters.

Something miraculous came out of this story. 2025 is the 30th anniversary of my daughter’s father, Eugene, passing away. For those of you who read Fearless Freedom Becoming SoulFire, you know what a tragedy and trauma it was to us both. He took his life and the months leading up to that point was a nightmare I don’t wish on my worst enemy.

One night on my way out to dinner I got a flat tire driving down the driveway. I ended up staying home and calling AAA the next day. This young man came and when he stepped out of his van, he took my breath away. He looked so much like Eugene, my daughter’s father, when the last time I saw him at 25 years old. And it turned out his name was Eugene! I couldn’t believe it. He changed my tire and text me that night to make sure I was ok, which I thought was odd since no one from AAA ever did that.

This was during the time my daughter was not talking to me, so I didn’t get to share the story with her. However, a couple of weeks later we reconciled with a heartfelt talk and ceremony at the ocean to celebrate his “death day” and turn it into a day of celebration- March 14th. As we were talking I got to share a lot about her father-things she never knew- like how much he loved food- how every time he sat down to eat he would have a big grin on his face and do a little food dance. My daughter is a foodie and a chef now so she appreciated this knowing. It was really nice to be able to give her that gift. Then I shared the story about AAA and my tire and the young man named Eugene. She told me she locked her keys in her car around the same time and called AAA too. It turned out the same young man came to help her too. She didn’t know his name was Eugene! I couldn’t believe it! I know with 100% certainty that it was her father Eugene, coming to us both. He set this up so we could heal our relationship. I am crying just writing this piece now, overwhelmed with emotion. I think it’s a combination of deep grief and heartbreak coming up, along with a deep sense of interconnection and love.

It reminds me that the ones we love never leave us really, they are just with us in a different form or way. It also reminds me to be strong in my faith and knowing  when I get weary and weak, that love is the one thing that lasts in this impermanent world of form. Love is everything. Our loved ones never leave us. My wish is that all souls who are suffering with heartache, break and despair over the loss of a loved one, feel the comfort of the Blessed Mother around them and know they are never alone.

Four months after Karma passed I decided to be brave since I had a dear friend with me  and asked him to take me to a beach up north that was me and Karma’s favorite spot. We would always stop on the way at this outdoor mall where she would pee, then I went into food store and bought sushi and treats for us to share at Beach 69. She loved going there. It was one of our favorite beaches and adventure days. I loved sharing it with Karma. I hadn’t been back since she passed.

When I got out of his car I felt a sudden wave of grief come over me and just stood frozen in the middle of the parking lot sobbing. He took my hand and led me gently into the food store so we could continue on with our day. I was too heart broken to think about food so I just grabbed a random salad.  I asked the cashier for more salad dressing and she told me to go the the deli and ask but it’s an extra charge. With tears in my eyes still I went over and tapped a woman worker on the back. She turned around and hurriedly moved me back telling me I couldn’t be there. (I had walked behind the deli counter by accident). She asked me what I needed and I told her, salad dressing with the saddest face she had probably ever seen. She brought me the salad dressing, no extra charge. Then I looked at her name tag and guess what it said? DAISY! I couldn’t believe it. I mean, you can’t make this up! I was so happy. My heart leapt for joy. I asked her if I could give her a hug. and she said yes. She probably thought I was happy she gave me free salad dressing—Ha ha ha. This little angel had no idea how much she meant to me at that moment. 

These signs from Karma kept coming…too many to blog about. But I know that if my furry four legged bestest friend can still be with me, then whoever you have “lost” and love deeply is still with you. In the midst of these intense emotions I remind myself to breathe. Breath has been my saving grace. It leaves room for the Holy Spirit to come in and do her work. After all, if I am going to say I am a spiritual teacher then I have to walk my talk. 

“Your body is away from me, but there is a window open from my heart to yours.” ~ Rumi

I love you Karma.

Does “happily ever after” exist? After this last go about I don’t believe it does. I think it’s a detrimental societal program that keeps us in an eternal disenchanting search for happiness outside of ourselves. I lost my fairy-tale virginity this year and finally grew up. Don’t feel sad for me, really, rejoice, it’s a good day! That “always looking for the ONE” to make you happy is a serious Debbie downer and keeps you in the mind loop of unending dissatisfaction and unfulfillment. The true love that you, we, are all in search of is within us- it is us. We are the LOVE we’ve been looking for. And deep down we all know that to be true.

Until we find that love, the Beloved within, we will never be satisfied or content with another; because ultimately it’s not about the “other,” it’s always about us. Our level of happiness is dependent on how happy we have become within ourselves. We cannot ever source our happiness from another. It will only leave us disappointed and blaming the other for all our problems.

I have learned a lot about myself from my past relationships. If you read my memoir, Fearless Freedom Becoming SoulFire, you know of the heartbreaking painful experiences I have had. However, that one little mantra:  “Get better, not bitter,” was my saving grace. Even though in the “societal sense” the relationship didn’t last or failed, what I took from each one helped me heal a broken fragmented part of me and regain my wholeness.

By giving up the fairy-tale of happily ever after I’m much more at peace. I can relax and actually start to enjoy myself. I know my whole divine purpose in this incarnation is to evolve within my own inner being to my highest divine essence and in turn share my life with humanity for healing and awakening. My incarnation isn’t about relationships and family, and that’s ok. That’s not to say I’m not open to meeting and having relationships, but I am not fixated on the ONE anymore.

That only took me 52 years to come to this insight. I’m a late bloomer, what can I say!

This last soulmate/twin flame relationship I had here in Hawaii was the catalyst in my latest and greatest rebirth. He was the main player in my new found understanding of BEING the LOVE I am looking for. It is not easy to let someone go that you love and care about very deeply. It is excruciating to be honest; it’s like tearing off one of your limbs slowly and a detoxing of the heart at the same time.  Now I know what the line from the poem, The Invitation, means: “Can you betray another to be true to yourself?” It’s just as brutal to the heart as being the one being left behind.

However, my higher self knew deep down that I had to, for my soul’s survival. At this moment in time we are not a vibrational match anymore and it was hindering my spiritual progress, evolution and whole point of existence- kind of a big deal. That is not to say in the future we can’t be reunited, but it all depends on our journeys and if we are in alignment vibrationally. Not all soulmates are meant to last forever. The good thing is that we were reunited in this lifetime and had a beautiful and bountiful experience together. Even with the heartbreak of the separation now,I would not have done anything differently. I also have to be conscious that not everyone is on the fast track to spiritual enlightenment like I am, and to honor each person’s journey. I cannot force or rob another of theirs.

So alone again, naturally, but it’s okay. I’m gradually getting better, not bitter and my heart is slowly mending again.  I’m inspired to complete Sunflower Two with the main theme of what I have learned from this last soulmate relationship:What does it mean to be your own Beloved?

I have so much to share with you since the publishing of Fearless Freedom, which feels like a lifetime ago. Moving to Hawaii has been a bumpy, roller coaster ride, but worth every second. Growing is not easy, I guess that’s where the term: “growing pains” comes from.

I am excited to share my next becoming with you from the sacred land of Lemuria. Look for Sunflower Two this year 2021!

Blessings of the most high!

A hui a hou!

Soulfire

It must be working because this morning when I woke up I felt something stirring inside of me that actually felt light and free. I decided to roll with the mantra, “Something good is going to happen today.”

I sat down to do my morning meditation and within two minutes I heard my inner voice tell me to ride my bike to the pier and go for a swim. The last couple of weeks I have not been getting out as much as I’m used to because Karma, my four legged best friend, has not been feeling well.

I listened to my inner voice though, put on my bikini, kissed Karma good-bye and off I went on my bike. When I arrived at the pier, a local homeless man came up to me and told me there were dolphins close. I was so excited. I told him I had a feeling that something good was going to happen. We walked to the end of the pier together and I saw them. There was another man  looking earnestly at the dolphins, I asked him if he was going in. He replied, “I would but how do you get out?” I didn’t care about getting out, the only thing I cared about was getting in!  So I jumped. Usually I go into the ocean by the beach and swim out, but today I wanted to be with the dolphins so bad that I just  jumped off the end of the pier and went after them.

They were many of them swimming around and about a dozen people. No one seemed as excited as me however, which I thought was uncanny. I was laughing out loud for joy every time one of them jumped out and spun around. It was like they were putting on a show for us.

After about twenty minutes they disappeared and everyone left, except me. I floated on my back for a couple of minutes then went under water and said, “Come back, come back, I love you.”  Within minutes they were back- an entire pod swam right toward me. As much as I love dolphins and the ocean, there’s a vulnerability about being alone floating in the middle of the ocean with an entire pack of mammals beelining it toward you. It can be a little unnerving at first.

I assured myself I was safe and went under water. It was surreal watching them just floating through the water effortlessly in a pack with the babies too. They swam under me and around me a few times then came up. The playful one of the bunch did his jumping for joy show for me. i laughed out loud like a little kid. It was magical.

When they swam under me I floated on my stomach and just watched them, then without warning I started sobbing. I don’t think I’ve ever cried like that. It wasn’t a sad sob, more of a deep appreciation for everything- for the dolphins, for Gaia, God, the universe, the ocean, my life, everything. Words don’t do it justice. There was such a connection I felt oneness with everything in that moment.

This was one of the many dolphin stories I have experienced since I moved to Hawaii. I actually have dolphin stories from Long Island too when I came home over the summer last year that blew my mind.

What I’ve observed, is that they show up for me out of the blue when I’m in my highest joy and vibration, which makes sense. We attract what we put out. Dolphin message is all about fun, play and community. You rarely see a dolphin traveling alone.

I wanted to share this with you because all that is happening in the world can be scary and confusing. These are uncertain times for all of us. The dolphins message for me was don’t forget to jump for joy. it is still posable to have joy and feel joy even with what’s happening around us. It’s the only thing that matters, otherwise what’s the point of life?

I hope you can feel the dolphin playful energy through my communication. Be happy, find your bliss, go for your joy and when you falter, remember the spinning jumping joyful dolphins.

With love, Soulfire