After weeping I breathed a sigh of relief. It was gone, another layer, I released the pain and I was free once again. I am Victor. I am Warrior. 

When I sat and meditated on the situation with my daughter kicking me out of her house, my higher self was whispering to me, “You created this for your evolution.” I knew deep down this to be true, even though a part of my human psyche was trying to whisper another story to keep me in victimhood. I will rise up – out of this.

This was for me. Deep within and higher up, I knew I set this up to find the wholeness within my self once again. Even though in the highest Reality we are already whole and can never be anything less. Here on earth in the human form, we are rectifying and healing the wounding, so we can be Victor. It was another experience that could only lead me in one direction- back into myself, back into my wholeness, back into “I am my Home.” Home is within me. It was the final nail in the coffin, if you may. Why? If my only family that never in a million years would I expect to kick me out of her home and shun me away, could do this to me-then that had to be a set up! Like the song…”One more time…” Yes it came up again, but not for me to play the victim and stay in the suffering of, “look what my daughter did to me,” even though I had the “right” to say it. She was, after all, acting very disrespectful to me. But I knew on a deeper level that this was happening for a reason and after I sat with it for a while, I knew “I set it up,” so I can once again heal another layer of the core wound of abandonment.

In essence we are all sovereign souls, playing the earth forgetting game so we can remember once again who we are and that home is within- wholeness is our birthright. It is who we are. Period. End of story. All roads of suffering and pain lead us home, back to the wholeness within if you can just lay down your armor, your defenses, and sit with the pain, the sorrow, the heartbreak and ask it why, for what purpose do you serve? Because all the pain and suffering serve the one holy purpose of finding God within, returning back to the God and the joy and wholeness that you already are, you just forgot. The wound is where the light enters.

Something miraculous came out of this story. 2025 is the 30th anniversary of my daughter’s father, Eugene, passing away. For those of you who read Fearless Freedom Becoming SoulFire, you know what a tragedy and trauma it was to us both. He took his life and the months leading up to that point was a nightmare I don’t wish on my worst enemy.

One night on my way out to dinner I got a flat tire driving down the driveway. I ended up staying home and calling AAA the next day. This young man came and when he stepped out of his van, he took my breath away. He looked so much like Eugene, my daughter’s father, when the last time I saw him at 25 years old. And it turned out his name was Eugene! I couldn’t believe it. He changed my tire and text me that night to make sure I was ok, which I thought was odd since no one from AAA ever did that.

This was during the time my daughter was not talking to me, so I didn’t get to share the story with her. However, a couple of weeks later we reconciled with a heartfelt talk and ceremony at the ocean to celebrate his “death day” and turn it into a day of celebration- March 14th. As we were talking I got to share a lot about her father-things she never knew- like how much he loved food- how every time he sat down to eat he would have a big grin on his face and do a little food dance. My daughter is a foodie and a chef now so she appreciated this knowing. It was really nice to be able to give her that gift. Then I shared the story about AAA and my tire and the young man named Eugene. She told me she locked her keys in her car around the same time and called AAA too. It turned out the same young man came to help her too. She didn’t know his name was Eugene! I couldn’t believe it! I know with 100% certainty that it was her father Eugene, coming to us both. He set this up so we could heal our relationship. I am crying just writing this piece now, overwhelmed with emotion. I think it’s a combination of deep grief and heartbreak coming up, along with a deep sense of interconnection and love.

It reminds me that the ones we love never leave us really, they are just with us in a different form or way. It also reminds me to be strong in my faith and knowing  when I get weary and weak, that love is the one thing that lasts in this impermanent world of form. Love is everything. Our loved ones never leave us. My wish is that all souls who are suffering with heartache, break and despair over the loss of a loved one, feel the comfort of the Blessed Mother around them and know they are never alone.

Four months after Karma passed I decided to be brave since I had a dear friend with me  and asked him to take me to a beach up north that was me and Karma’s favorite spot. We would always stop on the way at this outdoor mall where she would pee, then I went into food store and bought sushi and treats for us to share at Beach 69. She loved going there. It was one of our favorite beaches and adventure days. I loved sharing it with Karma. I hadn’t been back since she passed.

When I got out of his car I felt a sudden wave of grief come over me and just stood frozen in the middle of the parking lot sobbing. He took my hand and led me gently into the food store so we could continue on with our day. I was too heart broken to think about food so I just grabbed a random salad.  I asked the cashier for more salad dressing and she told me to go the the deli and ask but it’s an extra charge. With tears in my eyes still I went over and tapped a woman worker on the back. She turned around and hurriedly moved me back telling me I couldn’t be there. (I had walked behind the deli counter by accident). She asked me what I needed and I told her, salad dressing with the saddest face she had probably ever seen. She brought me the salad dressing, no extra charge. Then I looked at her name tag and guess what it said? DAISY! I couldn’t believe it. I mean, you can’t make this up! I was so happy. My heart leapt for joy. I asked her if I could give her a hug. and she said yes. She probably thought I was happy she gave me free salad dressing—Ha ha ha. This little angel had no idea how much she meant to me at that moment. 

These signs from Karma kept coming…too many to blog about. But I know that if my furry four legged bestest friend can still be with me, then whoever you have “lost” and love deeply is still with you. In the midst of these intense emotions I remind myself to breathe. Breath has been my saving grace. It leaves room for the Holy Spirit to come in and do her work. After all, if I am going to say I am a spiritual teacher then I have to walk my talk. 

“Your body is away from me, but there is a window open from my heart to yours.” ~ Rumi

I love you Karma.